Growing Up Autistic Without Knowing: Finding Out I Was Autistic at 30

Growing up, I always felt like there was something different about me. I just didn’t know what it was.

Looking back, I can now see that school became difficult for me after primary school. When I started secondary school, particularly in Years 7 and 8, I really struggled to attend. I found the pressure of schoolwork difficult to manage, and it became overwhelming.

At the time, I didn’t understand why I was struggling so much. I just knew that school felt difficult.

Eventually, I made a change. I decided to take the pressure of schoolwork away from myself and focus on something different. Instead of putting all my energy into trying to keep up with the work, I focused on going to school to make friends and learn how to socialise.

That change made a difference.

I still had difficulties, but having less pressure on myself made school feel more manageable. Looking back, I can see that I was trying to find ways to cope without understanding why I needed to cope in the first place.

As I got older, I continued to feel different from other people. Social situations could be confusing, and I often found myself watching how other people behaved and trying to copy them. I didn’t realise at the time that I was masking.

I also struggled to understand my own emotions.

Sometimes my emotions felt very strong, and I didn’t always know what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. I could find it difficult to regulate my emotions, and this could affect the people around me.

Why did I get diagnosed at 30?

The reason I decided to seek an autism diagnosis was because I was getting married.

As I thought about starting married life, I started thinking more seriously about myself and how I could be difficult to live with at times. I didn’t understand why I reacted to things in certain ways or why I struggled so much with my emotions.

I wanted to understand myself better.

I didn’t want to go into marriage simply thinking, “This is just how I am.” I wanted to understand why I found certain things difficult and whether there was a reason behind it.

That was when I started looking into autism.

At the time, I still had the idea that autism was something very different from my own experiences. I could talk, work, have relationships and manage many parts of everyday life. I didn’t realise that autism could look very different from person to person.

Then, at the age of 30, I found out that I was autistic.

It was a strange feeling.

There was relief because suddenly so many things started to make sense. But there was also sadness. I started looking back at my childhood, my experiences at school and the difficulties I had growing up.

I started asking myself:

“Why didn’t anyone notice?”

“Why did I struggle so much at school?”

“Why did I find my emotions so difficult to understand?”

“Could things have been different if I had known sooner?”

My diagnosis didn’t change who I was. It changed how I understood myself.

I began to realise that I wasn’t broken, difficult or failing at life. I was experiencing the world differently, and I had spent many years trying to work out how to fit into a world that didn’t always make sense to me.

Finding out I was autistic at 30 gave me the opportunity to look back at my life with more understanding and, most importantly, more kindness towards myself.

Sometimes, getting an answer later in life can help you finally understand the questions you have been asking for years.

How counselling can help you understand your neurodiversity in adulthood

Counselling can give you a safe space to explore what it means to be neurodivergent as an adult.

For some people, discovering their neurodiversity later in life can bring up many different emotions. You may feel relieved to finally have an explanation, but you may also feel confused, frustrated or even sad about not knowing sooner.

Counselling can help you look back at your experiences with greater understanding and less self-blame. It can give you time to explore your emotions, relationships, communication, masking and the challenges you may have experienced at school, work or in everyday life.

A neurodiversity-affirming counsellor can work with you as an individual rather than expecting you to change who you are. Counselling can help you understand your strengths, recognise your needs and find ways of managing situations that work for you.

You don’t have to have all the answers. Sometimes, counselling can simply be a place to start making sense of your experiences and understanding yourself a little better.

Frequently Asked Questions About Autism in Adults

What are the signs of autism in adults?

Autism can look different for everyone. Some autistic adults may struggle with social situations, communication, changes in routine, sensory experiences or understanding and managing emotions. Some people may also learn to mask their autistic traits, making autism harder to recognise.

Can you be autistic and not know until adulthood?

Yes. Some people are not diagnosed with autism until their 20s, 30s or even later. NHS Autism Central notes that people can receive an autism diagnosis at any age, and some adults describe having always felt different without knowing why.

Can autism be diagnosed at 30?

Yes. Autism can be diagnosed in adulthood, including at 30. An adult autism assessment can help someone understand their experiences and consider what support may be helpful.

Why did I struggle at school but not know I was autistic?

Autistic people can experience education differently. Difficulties with social interaction, communication, changes, sensory experiences and the demands of education can all contribute to difficulties at school. NICE guidance also recognises difficulties with education and social relationships as areas that may be relevant when considering autism in adults.

Can autistic adults struggle with emotions?

Yes. Emotional regulation difficulties can be part of the autistic experience. This does not mean every autistic person will experience emotions in the same way, but some people may find it difficult to understand, identify or regulate their emotions.

What is masking in autism?

Masking is when an autistic person consciously or unconsciously changes or hides parts of their behaviour to fit in with other people. This can include watching and copying how other people behave. Masking can make autism harder to recognise and may be exhausting for the person doing it.

What happens after an autism diagnosis in adulthood?

An autism diagnosis can help someone understand themselves better. For some adults, receiving a diagnosis can help explain experiences they have had throughout their life and provide an opportunity to explore what support they may need.

If you have grown up feeling different, struggled at school, found social situations difficult or never quite understood your emotions, you may have spent years asking yourself why.

Sometimes, discovering you are autistic later in life can help those experiences finally make sense.

Joseph Oakes
BACP Registered Person-Centred Counsellor

References 

NHS. “Signs of autism in adults.” Information about autism in adulthood, including social communication, sensory differences, masking and difficulties with education and relationships. NHS – Signs of autism in adults

NHS Autism Central. “Diagnosis for adults.” Information about receiving an autism diagnosis in adulthood and understanding autism later in life. NHS Autism Central – Diagnosis for adults

NICE. “Autism spectrum disorder in adults: diagnosis and management (CG142).” Clinical guidance covering the identification, assessment and support of autistic adults. NICE – Autism in adults: diagnosis and management

NHS Autism Central. “Masking and identity.” Information about masking, identity and the experiences of people who are diagnosed with autism later in life. NHS Autism Central – Masking and identity

The research and guidance above support the general information included in the FAQ section. The experiences described in this blog, including my experiences of school, relationships, emotions and receiving an autism diagnosis at 30, are my own personal experiences.