When You Don’t Feel Seen: How Counselling Can Help Autistic People

Being autistic can sometimes feel lonely. You may know that you see and experience the world differently, but other people may not understand what this is like for you.

One comment that many autistic people hear is, “You don’t look autistic.”

The person saying this may not mean anything bad by it. But it can still be difficult to hear. Autism does not have a certain look. You cannot always tell that someone is autistic just by looking at them.

For some people, comments like this can make them feel like their experiences are being questioned. You might start to think, “Do I really struggle that much?” or “Maybe people don't believe me.”

This can be especially difficult if you have spent many years trying to fit in with the people around you.

My experience as an autistic counsellor

I am an autistic individual and a counsellor, so I have my own experience of what it can feel like to live in a world where you do not always feel seen or understood.

I know what it is like when people only see what is on the outside. Someone might see you talking, working, smiling or getting on with everyday life and assume that everything is fine.

They may not see the effort that goes into doing those things.

They may not see how tired you are after being around people, how difficult certain situations can feel, or how much energy you have used trying to fit in.

Being autistic has given me a greater understanding of how difficult it can be when the world does not always understand the way you experience it.

This does not mean that I know exactly what every autistic person experiences. Every autistic person is different. But my own experiences have helped me understand the importance of listening to what someone is telling me rather than making assumptions based on how they appear.

I believe you should not have to look or act a certain way for your experiences to be taken seriously.

The pressure to fit in

Many autistic people learn to mask.

Masking means hiding parts of yourself or changing how you act so that you fit in. You might copy the way other people talk, make yourself join in with conversations when you don't feel comfortable, hide sensory problems or pretend that something does not bother you when it does.

You may become very good at making people think that you are fine.

But looking like you are coping does not always mean that you are coping.

Masking can take a lot of energy. Over time, this can affect your mental health. You may feel tired, anxious, stressed or unhappy. You may also struggle with your self-esteem or feel that you do not really know who you are anymore.

Sometimes, people only see the outside. They see someone who is working, talking to people and getting on with everyday life. They do not see how much effort it takes to do those things.

This can leave you feeling unseen, misunderstood or alone.

How counselling can help

Counselling for autistic people can give you somewhere to talk about these experiences without having to hide them.

You do not have to pretend that everything is okay. You can talk about the things that other people may not understand.

As an autistic counsellor, I understand how important it can be to have a space where you do not feel judged or expected to behave in a certain way.

A neurodiversity-affirming approach does not see autism as something that needs to be fixed. Instead, counselling can be about understanding you as an individual and finding ways to help you feel more comfortable being yourself.

You might want to talk about autism, masking, anxiety, self-esteem, relationships, identity or your mental health.

You may also want to talk about times when people have not believed you, understood you or have made comments about your autism.

Sometimes, being able to say these things out loud to someone who listens can make a difference.

You should not have to prove that you are autistic because someone cannot see it.

You are still autistic when you are smiling.

You are still autistic when you are working.

You are still autistic when you appear to be coping.

And you are still allowed to struggle.

Counselling can give you a space to be yourself, without having to put on a mask or explain why you experience the world differently.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can counselling help autistic adults?

Yes. Counselling can help autistic adults talk about things that may be difficult to deal with on their own. This could include anxiety, stress, low self-esteem, relationships, identity, loneliness or problems with everyday life.

The most important thing is that counselling is adapted to the person. Every autistic person is different, so what helps one person may not help another.

Why do people say, “You don't look autistic”?

Some people have an idea in their head about what they think autism looks like. They may not realise that autism can affect people in many different ways.

You cannot always tell that someone is autistic by looking at them.

What is autistic masking?

Autistic masking means hiding parts of yourself or changing how you behave to fit in with other people.

For example, you might copy how other people communicate, hide when you are overwhelmed or pretend that something is not bothering you.

Can masking affect your mental health?

It can. Constantly trying to hide parts of yourself can be tiring. Over time, this may lead to stress, anxiety, low self-esteem, loneliness or burnout.

Counselling can give you a safe place to talk about how masking has affected you.

What is neurodiversity-affirming counselling?

Neurodiversity-affirming counselling means seeing autism as part of who you are rather than something that needs to be fixed.

The aim is to understand you, listen to your experiences and support you in a way that works for you.

What is different about seeing an autistic counsellor?

An autistic counsellor has their own lived experience of autism. This can bring an additional level of understanding to conversations about feeling different, masking, being misunderstood or not feeling seen.

However, every autistic person is different. My own experience does not mean I know exactly what another autistic person is going through. It means I understand the importance of listening, asking questions and not making assumptions.

Can counselling help with autistic identity?

Yes. You may want to talk about what being autistic means to you, especially if you were diagnosed later in life or spent many years feeling different from other people.

Counselling can give you time to understand yourself and feel more comfortable with who you are.

Do I have to look autistic to be taken seriously?

No.

You do not have to look a certain way to be autistic. You also do not have to prove how much you struggle.

What matters is your experience.

If you feel unseen or misunderstood because of your autism, counselling can give you somewhere to talk about it and be listened to.