The Autistic Adults Who Were Missed

I have been thinking a lot about how many autistic adults have gone through most, or even all, of their lives without anybody recognising that they are autistic. From the outside, people can look like they are doing absolutely fine. They go to school, get jobs, have relationships, have families and manage to get through everyday life. So people around them don't necessarily see any reason to think there could be something different going on.

But what people see on the outside isn't always what is happening on the inside.

Some autistic people become very good at performing in society. They watch other people, copy how they behave and learn what is expected of them. They learn how to have conversations, how to make friends and how to behave in different situations. They can become so good at this that nobody sees the difficulties underneath. This can start when we are very young. When you look back at your childhood, you might start asking yourself questions you never thought about before.

How did I make friends?

Did I actually understand what was happening socially, or was I copying other children?

Why did I feel different?

Why did certain situations feel so difficult?

What happened when I got to my teenage years?

For many autistic people, the teenage years can be particularly difficult. Friendships change, relationships become more complicated and there is a huge amount of pressure to fit in.You might have spent years trying to work out how everyone else seemed to know what to do naturally.

And perhaps nobody noticed.

You just carried on.

This can follow you into adulthood. You may start to believe that your difficulties are simply part of your personality. You might think you are bad at relationships, not good enough at work or somehow different from everyone else. Over time, this can affect the way you see yourself and what you believe you can achieve in life.

It can affect your education, career, relationships, friendships and even the future you imagine for yourself. Then, for some people, an autism diagnosis comes much later in life.

A diagnosis doesn't change your childhood. It doesn't change the experiences you have already had. But it can change the way you understand them. Suddenly, you can look back at your childhood, your teenage years and your relationships and start putting things into perspective. Things that once felt like personal failures may start to make more sense.

For me, I think this is one of the most important parts of an adult autism diagnosis. It can give you an opportunity to stop looking at your life through the belief that you somehow got things wrong. Instead, you can start understanding yourself. And that can change your future. You can begin to think differently about what you want, what you are capable of and what you need to be successful. A diagnosis can bring self-belief and confidence because, for the first time, you may have an explanation for parts of your life that you have never understood. Being missed as an autistic person doesn't mean that your future has to be limited by your past.

Sometimes understanding who you are can be the starting point for creating a future that is very different from the one you always assumed you were going to have.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can an autistic person go through life without being diagnosed?

Yes. Some autistic people learn to hide or manage their difficulties, particularly when they are young. This can mean autism is not recognised until adulthood.

Why are some autistic adults missed?

Some people become very good at copying others and adapting to different situations. This can make it difficult for other people to see the challenges they are experiencing underneath.

Can autism affect childhood and teenage years?

Yes. Autism can affect friendships, communication, social situations, school and relationships. Looking back at these experiences can sometimes help an adult understand themselves better.

Can an autism diagnosis change your life?

A diagnosis does not change what has happened in your life, but it can help you understand those experiences differently. It can provide an explanation for difficulties you may have experienced for many years.

Can an autism diagnosis improve confidence?

For some people, understanding that they are autistic can improve self-belief and confidence. It can help them recognise that some difficulties were not personal failures.

Can autism affect your future?

Autism itself does not determine what somebody can achieve. However, going through life without understanding your needs can affect education, work, relationships and confidence. Understanding yourself can help you make choices that are more suitable for you.

Is it too late to be diagnosed with autism?

No. Autism can be diagnosed in adulthood. Many people are not identified until later in life.

What should I do if I think I might be autistic?

You can speak to your GP about your concerns and ask about an autism assessment. It can also be helpful to write down examples from your childhood, teenage years and adult life.

Joseph Oakes
BACP Registered Person-Centred Counsellor